Energy Exchange ~ Musical Version

I have talked about this quite a bit, but to catch you up, here’s the general idea.  Music IS a Medium.  In this post I try to relate a common experience people have, which is physically/emotionally/spiritually responding to a piece of music.  I believe you will attune to exactly the right frequency of music that will trigger, and heal you.  I believe the individuals who create this music place an energy signature into it which is easily read by physical mediums.  (*or if you prefer, individuals with a particularly sensitive operating system/biological container).

I have used music, inspirational podcasts, intelligent interviews to shape the way my body responds to energy.  I have immersed it in pleasurable energy signatures, that provide healing information for my physical operating system.  My emotional/spiritual/physical improvement cannot continue until these energy breaches are repaired and new pathways of positive energy are created.  Basically, I am reexperiencing all of the energy systems that have caused me pain in my entire life.  In return, I am providing those systems a chance to clear old hurts, and find new understanding.  The more I tune into music and use it in combination with rhythmic movement like climbing long hills, or walking on ‘auto pilot’, the more my body slips into an automatic work pace which is faster than my normal pace, and engages many more muscular and neural systems together.  I feel the difference in my body.  I feel like a machine that is at optimum working pace.  I am relaxed, deeply focused, and releasing all kinds of energy that has built up over the day.  Lately I have been walking two or three times a day.  Yesterday I logged over 23km.  I know the time will come soon where I am going to start working, and I am really ready to get started.  Until then, I am using up a lot of bored energy walking around town feeling amazing.

Whats coming up the most on my playlist shuffle?  I’m glad you asked.

I accidently sucked my gum into what I thought was my lungs, while skating confidently, and listening to this song in my headphones. (DON’T SKATE AND CHEW GUM, KIDS.) I was quickly reminded that confidence is best displayed in places where one has sure footing and a good sense of balance, when a slight wobble caused what could have been a truly ironic ‘How I Died Today’.  I must reference a woman named Tracey who had the first blog I ever loved, called ‘How I Died Today’.  I loved that blog.  🙂

The next one plays over and over in my head, as well as in my headphones.  I love the way it sounds, and I love the way it makes my body feel.  I love that even though there is some hurt still there (*come on Justin, you know it), he has finally got the message that love can be very blind. Everyone hates to make a mistake, especially with our heart. The things he loves are as KICK ASS AS HE ALWAYS THOUGHT THEY WERE, by the way. Fuck off GIRL WHO WANTS TO CHANGE HIM.  The energy signature is of resignation, old pain, resilience, painful realizations, and moving on.  It also points to some very big missed cues when it comes to choosing to ignore the behavior or attitude of people we decide we are going to love.  I feel this brother.  I feel this.  The good news is, once you find out who you are, the right person will be more able to find you because your energy signature will be authentic, accurate, and finally drawing what is needed into your life experience.  in my opinion.



This one I can’t explain. I can only feel it. It goes in a two-pack with Taylor Swift’s Style.

I suspect there are a lot of people who use music in this way.  I’d love to have more discussion on this.  It has to be a ‘thing’.  How could so many people have similar experiences if it wasn’t a legit phenomena.  It seems so obvious, I’m not even put a question mark at the end of that last sentence.  Grammar Anarchy. I’m a rebel like that.

Hello Butterfly

I know why the butterfly builds a cocoon.

She builds it bit by bit, without even knowing it’s happening. , until suddenly, in quite a panic, she realizes she is trapped.  She resigns herself to being dead and falls deep asleep.

She awakens some time later, inside a dark, tight, frightening place that makes her heart beat furiously, in a body she does not recognize.

Eventually she grows tired of being afraid, and becomes brave.

There are curious changes inside her new environment, and in her perception of her environment.  It may indeed be small, but now the closeness seems intimate.  It used to be dark, but  darkness has become recognizable; comforting even.   What was frightening, has become an embracing, beloved home to the parts of her that have learned to live in this much smaller space.

When her cocoon begins to crack open, she is once again afraid.

Fear has taught her that bravery is a better defense.

She does not know what happens next.  The past has taught her that everything works somehow.  She must trust that this is the next part of the process.

She is released from the last remnants of her home, and she is free.  The world feels so achingly beautiful.   As her glorious wings begin to unfold, it is clear she has grown too large, and too lovely to hide within this tiny space.

She can hardly imagine where she will fly first.  In her own freedom, she is born anew.
She thinks of her fellow larvae, caterpillars, pupae, unaware of what is to be.  She is the them they will become.

She radiates her loving, encouraging beautiful energy to all of her kind, past, present and future.

There is always more to come.  Trust life’s miracles to unfold through you.  You will be the caterpillar who becomes the butterfly.

Music IS a Medium

Music is how I relate to the world. It provides me with the emotional understanding of situation and feelings I don’t know how to handle. The first song that got me was JT and Mirrors.

I know songs have given me The Feels before, but this experience took it to a whole other level. It was like the part of me that wanted me to wake up was singing to me directly. I probably listened to it, bawling, more than 100 times. It moved something that was blocked in me, and the rest of the blocks came tumbling down on top of it.

Another one was Drake’s ‘Hold on we’re going Home”

Similar theme here. Most of the music I was being drawn to was about going ‘home’. I can only assume now that it meant coming home to myself. When I arrived home in my own body, it was a shock to the system. There was so much blockage and false fronts…nothing was real. I had a lot of hard truths coming, but in my heart I knew them all.

One of my favorite musical experiences was the Taylor Swift song “Style”. The intensity of my feelings when I listened to the song surprised and intrigued me.

The smoke in the video made me instantly think of how I feel about marijuana, and how it makes me feel more in my own body, despite how the world around me seemed to think it was terrible. I have real anxiety and guilt about my relationship with pot, and I don’t understand why. I guess it might have something to do with the fact that I am healing some part of myself that has been in charge for a long time, and it isn’t giving up control without a stink. It’s also a clear reference to being The Other Woman, which I have been once in my life. It was not worth the heartache it caused, but it represents the beginning of learning required hard lessons.

At the time, this song made me feel breathless and excited and full of anticipation. This part of me is a part that makes me feel things that might make me very self-destructive, so no wonder it’s been under lock and key until the rest of me grew up enough not to let it rule the show. The song still makes my heart beat faster every time. EVERY. SINGLE.TIME.

Lately it’s been this song that resonates strongly with me.

I used to cry every time I heard it, and now it just makes me feel happy. It’s a long journey from hating yourself to loving yourself, but it’s worth all of the bumps along the way. I couldn’t have imagined how beautiful life would look like from this perspective. I’m glad I didn’t give up.

I love the lyrics:

Hang on, just hang on for a minute
I’ve got something to say
I’m not asking you to move on or forget it
But these are better days
To be wrong all along and admit it, is not amazing grace
But to be loved like a song you remember
Even when you’ve changed

Tell me, did I go on a tangent?
Did I lie through my teeth?
Did I cause you to stumble on your feet?
Did I bring shame on my family?
Did it show when I was weak?
Whatever you’ve seen, that wasn’t me
That wasn’t me, oh that wasn’t me

When you’re lost you will toss every lucky coin you’ll ever trust
And you’ll hide from your God like he ever turns his back on us
And you will fall all the way to the bottom and land on your own knife
And you’ll learn who you are even if it doesn’t take your life

Tell me, did I go on a tangent?
Did I lie through my teeth?
Did I cause you to stumble on your feet?
Did I bring shame on my family?
Did it show when I was weak?
Whatever you’ve seen, that wasn’t me
That wasn’t me, oh that wasn’t me

But I want you to know that you’ll never be alone
I wanna believe, do I make myself a blessing to everyone I meet
When you fall I will get you on your feet
Do I spend time with my family?
Did it show when I was weak?
When that’s what you’ve seen, that will be me
That will be me, that will be me
That will be me

I really could do the musical game all day, but this is probably enough. You get the picture. Music is the medium. It soothes the savage beast, and I can think of no beast more savage than the human heart. The things we do to protect it, or share it, can be beautiful and terrible. When music plays it reaches inside our frequency, and takes us on a roller coaster ride of a feeling we have felt, but perhaps have never allowed ourselves to feel. The more we connect with music, the more we are healing our hearts, and changing our frequencies. Up, up up!

Healing Rituals

How do we honor a significant change in our belief structure? How do we mark the ending of one set of old habits or behaviors, and welcome the arrival of new? Is there some way that you let your higher self know that you are ready to move forward in healing, and how does this manifest in your life?

This morning I did one of my favorite things. I burned stuff.

When I feel I am ready to release an old behavior, I often gather up things that remind me of what I am moving away from.

I brought some of my favorite crystals to draw strength for my intentions. (We have a love for stones in common!)

The memories from this part of my life brought me both joy and deep pain. I included a piece of sour candy, (a key) to remind me that what is sweet can also be sour.

I included some brightly dyed flowers that had already died. They represent the artificial nature of what I was releasing. There was both nature and deception in their beauty.

I printed a photo of the part of me that I was releasing.

This represents the relationship I am removing from my life. It is a final reminder that this part of my life is over and that it was never what I believed it to be. In hindsight, I am very thankful that the things I thought I wanted did not materialize. Also, a reminder that I need to let go of controlling life, and allow it to unfold organically.

When I printed this page out, it inexplicably printed itself ten times. On each page I wrote a different intention. I released this part with love and thanks. I forgave this part, and I forgave myself.

I put the crystals around my circular fire pit to form a triangle, to increase the strength of my intention.

I placed the flowers, the key, and the papers in the flame.

And then I burned it all and said goodbye.

I feel very strongly that our higher selves need confirmation that we are willing and ready to release things that are not good for us. In this act of defiance (burning old things), I released the angry, confused feelings that this situation created in myself. I invite love and light into the space in my heart I have opened by letting go of things not meant for me.

I am calmed by the elements of fire, air, earth and water. There is no situation that cannot be helped by invoking the wisdom of one of the four, and combining it with spirit.

Fire cleanses and burns away the old.

Air swirls and lifts like ideas. It can blow over me and make me feel refreshed and alive.

Earth grounds me and connects me to my real home; my human animal. I am part of a larger system that has nothing to do with ‘society’.

Water brings me to my real beginnings. I am weightless, free and silent.

We can find strength and closure in these kind of rituals. Whether we are burning something old, or diving underneath to rebirth ourselves symbolically, these elements are real and they can help us make significant changes in our hearts and lives. What we see as a symbol is a larger truth. We are a speck of dust on a rock hurtling through space. As if any of our concerns really matter. Anything that helps us move from fear to sovereignty is a powerful amulet on our journey to know ourselves.

Waking Up Beautiful

I awoke this morning to the most beautiful pink and blue cotton candy sky. Because I am a believer of magic, (or as you like to say, I AM magic), I stop and offer my appreciation and reverence for such immense beauty unfolding in front of me. Days like this make me certain that good things are coming. When the skies align to make you think of colour and candy, you know it’s going to be a special day.

A little bit later I got a phone call from my good friend about a really promising job landing in her lap. She’s smart enough to head straight for the bounty that her future is offering her. It will represent a chance to make real change in her life, and in the life of her son, who would benefit greatly from a bolder, more innovative school curriculum and educators that have not lost their passion for the job. I hope this brings her the necessary change that will launch her into the success she deserves, both professionally and personally.

I see so many beautiful changes happening around my favorite people. WE ARE GROWING BOLDER IN OUR PURSUIT OF FREEDOM. We are clawing back our resources, and devoting more attention to loving ourselves the way we need to be loved. We are accepting NO LESS than what we deserve. How is it we didn’t realize until now how valuable and amazing we are? We are waking up in time to enjoy the best part of our lives.

We are waking up BEAUTIFUL. She has been inside of us all along, patiently waiting to be resurrected. She is strength and fire and magic. She has always been there, but our self-doubt kept her hidden from our experience. She greets us with excitement and guides us like the ONE we have been waiting for. She revels in our unexplored potential, and urges us to open the gifts we have avoided, and make them our own. She is our emerging Divine Feminine, and she is relieved we have broken the shackles that were imposed on us long ago.

With this new fire, we are realizing that for too long, we have been looking into mirrors of people who cannot reflect back love and acceptance. One cannot give what one does not have for oneself. It is a long road uphill to reclaim the magnificence that we were born with.

We begin to love ourselves fully, and honor our own glory. Our BEAUTY rushes to the surface, eager to meet and merge with us. We are infinite drops in a sea of souls, but each is unique and has something to offer this tired, broken world. We honor our pain, and release it with love and understanding. We understand why we have acted in ways that did not serve us. We find people in the world that are like us, who offer us the energy we have been waiting for. We share our gifts freely, and accept the gifts that others have been longing to share.

Our lives begin to move in directions that make more sense, and finally we can breathe knowing we are going the right way.







Our repaired cracks fill with gold, and we see the immense beauty that comes from our reconstruction.

We are thankful for the pain that cracked us open, because it brought us to the place where we could begin again. When others are ready to meet their own BEAUTIFUL, we will teach them how to repair their fractures with seams of gold. We will support and uplift the ones who have the courage to demand more from life. From immense pain, comes immense growth, and for the ones with the courage to travel deep within, the journey is well worth the price of travel.



The Pearl

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Now that I have disentangled myself from my old world, I am able to reflect with more clarity on the toxic relationship patterns I have left behind.

I thought I had the greatest life, with lots of good friends, an exciting career, and a happy marriage and family. I believed I was beyond fulfilled.

When I fell down the rabbit hole of my own making, I found out that the only thing I really had was a lot of self-delusion. I poured my energy and attention into other people who were as disconnected as I was, trying to find authenticity where it could not exist. I kept my husband at arms length, offering what I could safely give, without losing any more of myself. I was giving so much away, I had little left to offer to the people who loved me most.

My tumble cost me my false identity, and gave me back my reality. It hurt more than I could imagine, and the pain just kept coming. I had to head into the eye of the storm in order to realize who I was, and what was important to me.

There are people who have strayed so far away from their authentic self, they are no longer able to access it, or benefit from the wisdom of their own intuition. People who drown their problems in alcohol and drugs to keep the party going. People who busy themselves with work, or with television, or any other consciousness-numbing activities. We look at our phones to see how many ‘likes’ we have, as if that means anything real at all. It doesn’t. We have become satisfied with a portion of what we deserve in this life. We hold each other at arms length, and tell ourselves this is intimacy.

So many people are raw with injury and are no longer able to operate from a place of wisdom and love. As we travel through life, experiencing traumas big and small, we collect and protect our invisible scars. Where someone has hurt us, we wall off a part of ourselves to remain safe and comfortable. We repress our fears and our hurts until they are a hard, protective shell around us. Eventually the hurt stops, and the feelings are locked away from our consciousness. We walk around bumping into each others sores precisely because these are the exact triggers that will expose and release our pain.

It is these collisions with the hurt in others that have the ability to guide us through the swirling sea of pain. We unpack our broken and damaged parts, and show them to each other in order to share our story. We learn how to understand and forgive the behavior that we employ to keep us safe from the original hurt. We begin to recognize the same patterns in the hurt of others. If we agree to ‘lean into the discomfort’ of our old pain, we can transmute those feelings to ones of acceptance and release, and we open up spaces in our heart for new experiences.

Our pain is like the grain of sand in the oyster. Eventually that grain becomes a beautiful and valuable thing. What began as an irritant is transformed into something beautiful and valuable. It is not my concern that others don’t find my pearls to be of value. As we walk our path, these beautiful pearls will attract people who understand the beauty and magnificence of someone who can turn pain into something beautiful.

As I have moved my heart from pain to power, I have created a lovely collection of pearls. I will not fashion them into a necklace; I want freedom from collars. I will not keep them in a safe; They are of more value in my pockets, where I can bring them out to share with people who will appreciate them. I will share them with my sisters and brothers who see their unique beauty.

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Transcending my story

There is a metaphor that keeps repeating in my mind, making the parallel between pregnancy and PTSD.  This might be a stretch, but let me explain.

Like pregnancy, PTSD only needs a single event to create the embryo of something that is going to grow and change your life.  You can go through the motions as many times as you like, but it only takes one fateful event to start the process.

Unlike pregnancy, most people do not consider PTSD to be a blessed event.  Once the ’embryo’ has been created, there is little that can be done (outside of medical intervention) that can stop this traumatized fetus from growing into the life form it is intended to be.  Unplanned, unwanted, and unwelcome is the fate of this unborn ‘child’.

I see PTSD as an embryo, growing and gaining strength over the host.  Until the baby is born, and is no longer a parasitic extension of the mother (as unpleasant a metaphor as that may be, it remains accurate), it continues to feed and thrive from the resources of the mother.

It matters very little which actual event caused the ‘conception’ in the first place.  It only matters how we will deal with the impending force that is growing within us.  Pregnancy limits a woman’s ability to live her life in the way she had previously done, until the child is born.  PTSD limits an individuals ability to respond to life in the way he or she had previously done.  Dissociative identity disorder (DID) is the way my body chose to handle this unexpected ‘pregnancy’, with disastrous consequences.

For a long time, I have been stuck obsessing over the ‘conception’.  It is time for me to accept that it doesn’t matter any longer.  It doesn’t change anything to chase the source of my problem.  It does not contribute to my wellness or the expediency of my healing.  Going back only causes me pain, and fear and uncertainty about things that are dead and buried.  I can keep poking around at the grave, trying to resurrect the truth, but I will not be successful.

My ‘story’ is simply the ingredient list in the recipe of my PTSD.  It is a series of events that are long over.  The outcome of trauma is the situation that was created.  These days, I am more interested in taking care of my body and mind, after the birth of this long-incubated child.

Changing my focus to wellness and accomplishing goals has brought benefits that I can see in every aspect of my life.   I see how facing (and healing) my PTSD has created a multifaceted jewel.  Learning to confront my fear, instead of dissociating from it, has given me a fresh set of eyes to see the world with.  It has forced me to create boundaries and learn how to protect them.  I am defiant about embracing the people who have earned access to my tender heart.  I refuse to lock up the best parts of myself so others can feel more comfortable.  I can accept that I have been a wounded warrior, surrounding myself with others like myself.  I am responsible for saving myself.  I cannot, and will not try, to save anyone else, and I now see that I never could.

I am trying to accept that my past is over, and move toward a future where my ‘baby’ has left the nest.   There will be no tidy conclusion, no justice to be meted out.  There is just me, no longer living with regret of being ‘in trouble’, but choosing to start unwrapping the gifts of this unplanned conception.

This is my healing journey.  It does not reflect how I feel about any other journey.  We must each walk our individual path to see where it leads.  We must learn to listen to heart and soul, and respect the most authentic part of us.  Somehow we must blend our fear, our pain and our hope, and begin to learn to live again.