Lean Into The Discomfort

This is Day One of my pot-less situation. I used up the emergency stash yesterday because I know myself, and as long as it’s here, I will use it. I know I can live without it, but the thought of such a life seems dull. I bet all drug addicts rationalize their addictions, and I am no different. I miss it already. I’m depressed that I have none, and although my coping strategies are excellent, life doesn’t seem as interesting when I am sober.

My thought is that after a few weeks without it, I will see that marijuana is what is holding me back in life, instead of propelling me forward. Perhaps we will both start working again and so many things will improve that I will have no other course of action but to admit that I don’t need it in my life. Even though I want it.

My relationship with cannabis (and it is a relationship) has been the only constant in keeping my spirit happy. When I was alone, lonely and afraid, it kept me anchored to each day. I learned how to use my dependency to motivate myself to do more to ‘earn’ the right to use. I cleaned my house, walked, took the dog for a walk whenever I wanted to feel okay about being dependent on marijuana. I learned to engage in my real life and home in order to feel okay about being a drug user.

I am more patient and understanding when I am using cannabis. My body feels safe and secure. My spirit feels happy. My mind feels unified, even when there are several conversations going on up there at the same time.

Pot has a reputation for making people paranoid, and possibly being linked to developing schizophrenia. I often experienced paranoid thinking when I was high. More correctly, pot allowed me unrestricted entry to the thoughts that usually didn’t make it past my conscious filter. Some thoughts were paranoid stories that fleshed out my greatest fears, using players from my life as the subjects. Some thoughts were truths I didn’t have a place to integrate into my disordered thinking. Some thoughts were dark, old, things that my memory sanitized years ago.

It is scary to let your fear roam unrestricted in your mind. It’s scarier still to board the paranoid thought train and go where it takes you. You dip your thoughts fully into your worst nightmare, where you begin to feel all of the associated pain and hurt, even if only in your imagination.

Fear doesn’t keep pain away. It creates a lush breeding ground for paranoia. When I was high, I would meditate about a problem, and let whatever associations naturally formed, play out. If I wasn’t afraid to think the thoughts, they naturally resolved themselves when I realized how unlikely most of my fears are.

I have a strong belief that the bond I have with the cannabis plant is sacred and an essential part of my healing. I resent that I need to detox from something that feels right. On the other hand, I also need to know if life is better with or without the plant. I am not looking forward to the dry life, but perhaps I will be amazed at the benefits of living without cannabis.