Riding the CrazyTrain

From the ted talk https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5TKR-IKtaCg

Although I really don’t relate to the bullying parallels, although I do agree that they exist and are as bad as she related, I do relate to the negative thinking, even if the message is different.

One of my most distructive alters is CrazyTrain, who is the fragment that is trying to stop me from enjoying life, by reminding me of the highly unlikely things that *could* happen to people I care about.

Crazy Train tries to scare me by using my perceived intuition against me by suggesting something terrible is going to happen.  The cycle of thought uses my need for control and fuses it with my desire to be able to predict the future.  I don’t actually desire this, but my ‘alters’ have kept me under control by using my fear against me.

I have fully engaged in the process of debunking every one of the stories that CrazyTrain suggests to me.  It goes as far as to create story lines of supporting evidence to suggest that I am seeing a complete story unfolding that is in the future.  I have reminded myself countless times, and in many ways that I am rarely right about the things I am sure about.  This continual reminder helps me to stop the endless loop of fear and projection that CrazyTrain would like me to join in on.  This part of me is a legitimate part of my thought process, although it is quiet most of the time that I am aware of.  There is likely lots of these thoughts going on at an unconcious level that I’m not aware of, because the trace of fear always accompanies any thought of the future.

This reframing has really helped me to notice the amount of stories CrazyTrain tells, using the same ‘wavelength’ or ‘frequency’ that makes me believe they are my authentic thoughts.  I can now separate the ‘voice’ of the negative thinking and immediately discern that I have begun to wander into ‘fantasy thinking land’.

My magical thinking largely centers on my fear of losing my kids and husband.  All of them have figured into many death scenarios that make me extremely upset. Even writing about them is making my stomach hurt, shoulders burn, head tense up.  It makes my skin crawl.  However, I will ‘take the train of thought’ in these directions without really noticing I jumped on, only abruptly ‘jumping off’ when I noticed the increasing physical sensations accumulating in my body from fear.  Then I am mildly angry at myself for thinking like that because it upsets me so much.  It’s like I am not consciously aware that a part of me is TRYING to upset me whenever the opportunity arises.

This is the song that makes me think of my relationship with CrazyTrain

“You got away with murder
Leave me at a loss for the words
Just wait until I catch my breath
Yeah, but you thought you got away with murder
Leave me at a loss for the words
Just wait until I catch my breath