The Photographer is at the whell.

And she’s a shitty speller.  haha.  I wanted to change it, but The Photographer doesn’t care about it’s spelling.

The photographer got me an interview at a place I think I might really like working, but didn’t think much of at the start.

Today I interviewed for the position.  I have been thinking a lot about this job and I believe it would really be a good job for me.  The Photographer has been getting me ready for this new stage of my life.  She has made sure I show up to my commitment to myself.  She uses my own weaknesses against me as motivation.  She is faithful about taking the meds.  She doesn’t require much food to eat, because she’s incredibly distracted by getting what she wants in life.   This used to be a bad thing, and a terrible thing sometimes, maybe for her, or maybe for others at times.  The Photographer is very damaged inside from having a very bad daddy.  The way her daddy damaged her made her perfectly prepared for the job she would have to do some day, which had something to do with killing someones soul.  It sounds very terrible, but if you think about it in a scientific/energy sort of way it makes sense.  If your soul/spirit/chi/whatever gets permanently ‘frozen’ at a certain point in your life, it keeps it ‘on hold’ in the event that the person may have a reason to put some skin in the game later.  Basically, you put your player on freeze until such a time that you desire to engage in the situation you see yourself in.  When certain energetic events go off in your life, you press play and resume development, starting off at ground zero.  If you ‘died’ at 2, you will start at 2.  If you are totally fucked up with your behavior at 2, you will either die, or have a NDE* which will reset you at 0 and give you a conscious view of your choices.  I was not conscious at 0, and woke up terrified and alone, just like a newborn baby, terrified of the light.  Overwhelmed and dissociated by the light more accurately.  When ‘god’ or ‘the devil’ or whatever universal force broke in, it killed [THE OLD]me.   And that’s the way I asked for it to be.  If I got so vile that I didn’t want to know myself I asked for a disconnection so I would be forced to find myself.  Energetic math demands it.  As I become more of myself, i realize I am only a collection of parts.  The flame that i run on is eternal.   Everything else is distraction.  I feel this flame when I commune with maryjane.  I feel my body and mind together, which hasn’t happened since I was busted so long ago.  Even in my re connection at ground zero, the physical loss sustained by the damage done by my father can not be repaired.  I can use cannabis to bridge the gap between the me I was, ethereal and beautiful, and the me I am today.  I spend time with my baby me, who is now a grown adult in my head.  It doesn’t have the tragedy of being programmed by the collective consciousness, so it is pure, unspoiled sexual energy.  I guess I’m some kind of pervert, communing sexually with a part of myself that’s a baby, but it’s not a baby anymore.  It’s a 45 year old baby, which is the most beautiful kind of baby you could imagine, and it’s super fun to hang out with.  And it’s so lonely in my mind, with so many villains and superhero’s and me and Baby just wanting to chill and vibe out together.

I will get back to The Photographer.

This fragment has been running my ass around, keeping my appetite suppressed naturally, reminding me to keep taking my meds and keep achieving my goals.  It keeps a tight leash on me, and makes me feel really, really good physically.  It makes me feel strong and powerful and in command, three concepts that were completely foreign to me before had the good sense to fall in love with my husband.  (And that’s another blog post).

I can attribute my dedication to walking, listening to podcasts and music to this fragment.  One fragment loves music to the point of being lost in it.  I love this fragment so much.  It enhances the chance I will follow through with my physical activity.  It’s interest is purely physical (photographer), but it enjoys the help of the others, who motivate me greatly.  All of these fragments encourage and support the use of cannabis for goal setting.

The photographer made sure the technology was set up properly, and that my hair was colored appropriately and styled properly.  It also set out clothes for me to wear that I liked, and looked good.  My teeth were brushed (and seemed VERY BIG AND WHITE when I looked at myself in the mirror) and I looked quite polished.  Nail polish was desired, but not selected.  Wedding ring was placed on my finger, but no other jewelry was worn.  I wore light blue eyeliner, and mascara, and a bit of lip stick.  Pretty natural.  [This fragment likes being married and proudly wears her wedding ring.]

During the interview, I had a large glass of water with me, and a coffee in camera lens mug. [This fragment likes coffee and water.  It prefers water, but understands that coffee satisfies some need that it doesn’t understand that helps me feel like doing certain activities].

I was relaxed and conscious of keeping myself still, and smiling as appropriate.  Slowly, not like a grinning idiot.  I worked to keep my attention grounded in my body, and not in my mind which may have started overthinking.  I stepped aside and let the best part of myself do the thinking.  I didn’t micromanage, and I didn’t tell myself to stop unless I had finished my thought.  I kept my thoughts organized and tried to plan out the answer to conclusion to keep on track before I spoke.  I clarified if I did not understand the question, and I tried to relate my experience to the universal experience of having a good product to feel proud of selling, and giving good customer services to people who want that product.

In the end of the interview, a different part of me sort of ‘broke through’.  It is an extremely confident and gregarious, and doesn’t give a fuck about rules and being modest.  I found myself saying something to the following to the interview panel of three women who had just conluded my interview;

“If I could finish up by saying that I really hope I get this job.  I think I would be really good at it, and I know I could make people feel better about their day.  I want to work, and someone is going to get me.  I really hope it’s [your company]”.  Then it delivered a big lazy smile and big my goodbyes before leaving the video conference.

When the conference ended, I had a huge smile on my face.  It felt likeMatthew McConaughey energy, [which is something I have absorbed during any scene where I find his character arousing], jumped into my skin and started to talk from my heart.  I really hope it doesn’t cost me the job, but it made my heart so happy inside to have such a smooth character ready to jump out and take over when I am nervous.  [as I am in any concluding interaction with another person].  I love the idea that my consciousness can pick an appropriate character who ‘feels right’ for a situation, and deliver an authentic response when I am too nervous to do so.

I am trying to keep more detailed notes of who is at the wheel any given time, but especially during important check points.  It seems some parts of my consciousness spend time dormant while at other times, my intuition is extremely heightened for no real reason I can understand.  Different ‘parts’ of me have the ability to take over my life over time.  I don’t notice they are there until i see the change in my pattern of behavior.  This most recent fragment is very distressed at the grey of my hair.  The other dominant fragment around lately (but not dominant over the first) is someone who doesn’t give a shit about her grey hair, and thinks it’s kind of interesting.  It pulls them out (to the delight of the first fragment) to examine their color (silver!) and consistency and strength.  There is real truth the the idea that age brings strength in different ways.

I realize I have been doing this unconciously all my life.  In the past I have not always understood what was really going on around me, and may have chosen poorly on my behalf, based on what I knew at the time.  As my understanding increases, so does my ability to choose more consciously when I am able, and to trust that my collective will choose the best choice for me when I am not certain.

I am so deeply grateful for my ability to connect with my own collective and to allow them to help me create a beautiful life with the people I love the most.  I am learning to be a blessing everywhere I go, and that has nothing to do with religion.  It has to do with healing the wounds we carry together.  It gets easier as I learn I am here to forgive myself and to allow others to forgive me too.  Some are stubborn and won’t take the healing that is offered because it doesn’t come from the person they desire, or the package they prefer.  Some will take it without offering the healing they are meant to give in return.  Some will see the value and intuitively know how to make the most of a mutual soul contract in any kind of relationship.

Life is really starting to move in the right direction for me to start realizing some of my dreams, and it is inducing a really exciting/exhilarating/nervous/anticipation feeling.  I like it.

The Phoenix


PS.  An email dinged and appeared in my top, right hand notification area on my iMac, as I was finishing up.  I had to laugh when I read it.  Just as my own pieces are wanting to write, there is an affirmation that writing is what I should be doing.

{Here is the actual email}


I do think I will be meeting that dude someday.  His emails roll in at the most curious times.  His calendars gave me hope in very dark days at the beginning. }

*NDE near death experience, commonly experienced by a soul wishing to make an abrupt change in path, whereby a lot of soul information is needed to be transferred in order to ‘catch the soul up’ to the new plan.  In my opinion.

Hello Butterfly

I know why the butterfly builds a cocoon.

She builds it bit by bit, without even knowing it’s happening. , until suddenly, in quite a panic, she realizes she is trapped.  She resigns herself to being dead and falls deep asleep.

She awakens some time later, inside a dark, tight, frightening place that makes her heart beat furiously, in a body she does not recognize.

Eventually she grows tired of being afraid, and becomes brave.

There are curious changes inside her new environment, and in her perception of her environment.  It may indeed be small, but now the closeness seems intimate.  It used to be dark, but  darkness has become recognizable; comforting even.   What was frightening, has become an embracing, beloved home to the parts of her that have learned to live in this much smaller space.

When her cocoon begins to crack open, she is once again afraid.

Fear has taught her that bravery is a better defense.

She does not know what happens next.  The past has taught her that everything works somehow.  She must trust that this is the next part of the process.

She is released from the last remnants of her home, and she is free.  The world feels so achingly beautiful.   As her glorious wings begin to unfold, it is clear she has grown too large, and too lovely to hide within this tiny space.

She can hardly imagine where she will fly first.  In her own freedom, she is born anew.
She thinks of her fellow larvae, caterpillars, pupae, unaware of what is to be.  She is the them they will become.

She radiates her loving, encouraging beautiful energy to all of her kind, past, present and future.

There is always more to come.  Trust life’s miracles to unfold through you.  You will be the caterpillar who becomes the butterfly.

From The Notebook

Date:  ?  More than 6 months, maybe up to 18 months ago.

Start Small and Dream 🙂

Train your mind like you train your body. 

Learn to hack your weaknesses, to gain the upper hand on your shadow.

Find places where your inner saboteur is at work in your life, and how to fix it. 

The building is on fire and everyone is escaping. 

IMG_1851 copy


Art Imitates Life

I realized in  early January 2014 that I could easily trigger a PTSD flashbacks. You might wonder why I would do that.  I am an artist at heart, and probably an emotional junkie.  I was attracted to the intensity of the feelings.  I LIKED FEELING THINGS, even if they were sad. I wanted to see for myself what was happening, and decided to set up a self-portrait set at my studio.  I used a piece of music that had consistently, and inexplicably made me cry when I heard it. For nearly an hour after I shot the first episode, I couldn’t look at these photos.  I paced nervously.   I knew whatever I captured was important to me, but I didn’t know why.  The feelings in my body were highly manic, excited, anxious, and agitated.  My heart was pounding. I was  worried that my measurements for the self timer would not be accurate, and the images would be out of focus.  Which they all were.  I was devastated that my first real art experiment was a bust. Failure was feedback.  I could not be both the observer and observed in this situation. I asked a close colleague to shoot my self portrait.  When I viewed the images from the second attempt, I was moved beyond words.  They painted a heartbreaking tale of sadness, betrayal and pain.  Each image showed a different emotion.  They give a face and an expression to a terrible experience.  Seeing her, made her real. cropped-multiplemeheader.jpg I even made a video of the images, and invited my clients and friends (over 2000 Facebook contacts) to ask for the link to view it.  I didn’t understand what was happening to me, and I was afraid.  It was a personal ‘art project’ that was really a cry for help.   No one asked me what the hell I was thinking, why I was crying, and what possessed me to show it to the world.  I was single-minded in my belief that this project was important.  The reality is that it was only important to me.  I vomited my mental health crisis onto the internet, and not surprisingly, no one knew how to react. At first it was really disconcerting, to show a part of myself that was so raw and unpleasant.  Soon, it became liberating.  It was a very unusual vantage point of life, and one that I found I curiously empowering.  I scared people with my pain.  I triggered their own fear.  Gone was the happy, smiling, complacent Jane they had been accustomed to.  In her place was a falling-apart woman who was not doing a good job of tucking in her crazy. There was a part of me that saw how much pain I was experiencing without really causing any real alarm bells to go off.  I was having a spiritual emergency, and the community response was mostly silence. So of course I did it again. I asked a different friend to shoot my 3rd attempt.  The  story was even darker.  The images were frightening, sickening, and painful to look at.  I viewed them with shock and  nausea. Screen Shot 2014-12-08 at 12.20.50 PMScreen Shot 2014-12-08 at 12.19.54 PM I didn’t shoot any more images of myself, and my PTSD flashbacks.  I had seen quite enough. The Artist and The Professor conspired together to allow me a way to see The Scared Child that was hiding in my mind.  She must have been very relieved to finally be surfacing.  She was the driving force behind my need to heal. I am not sure how many people I hurt in this process.  I pursued this project like it was my only job in life.  I blew up my life in public, caused my business to tank, and began the slide into a deep depression that I wouldn’t begin to shake until the end  of May.  On the bright side, I had proof that there was really something wrong, and I needed help. I ended up in my doctors office, crying uncontrollably, and begging for medication to relieve the live-wire stick person that was living inside of my body.   I left with prescriptions for Effexor,  Zopiclone, and a referral to province-funded therapy.

My PTSD: Emotional Epilepsy?

What if there were a type of seizure activity that affected emotions.  And those types of people were having a kind of seizure that is brought on by extremes in emotional sensitivity, as well as physical sensitivity to the energy of the environment.
If you were in a situation where extreme emotion arose, you might find that your physiological response to the stimulus so greatly aggravated your emotional responses to the stimulus that it caused you to experience a dissociative break in consciousness, which would be your body’s way of dealing with a highly unpleasant situation that you didn’t need to remember.
Physical states of ecstasy release a great deal of physical energy from the body.  Perhaps these emotional seizures do the same on an emotional level, when the physical level is not able to be expressed.
This is my experience of my PTSD flashbacks.  They descend like an emotional shitstorm, blurring physical sensation, memory and intense fear.  They have presented in different ways, sometimes when I am triggered emotionally (usually unknowingly) and sometimes when I am physically active.  I feel like each time there is a release of some previously stored emotional and/or physical content.  Sometimes there are smells (like ammonia, dirt, rotting things), often there is intense fear, usually there is a parallel physical response like a wildly beating heart, sweating, pounding in my head.
There are no visual or auditory components, except occasional thoughts arriving which I cannot corroborate from my own memory.  They are frightening and interesting, and as my inner observer (The Scientist) notes the physical and mental symptoms of the FB, other parts of me are experiencing the FB on a visceral, emotional and psychological level.

More Manic Musings


Being a photographer has made me see the things in others that made me upset or anxious, were pointing to something similar in myself.

I learned to charm children.  At first I did it to get them to do what I wanted, which they always saw through very quickly anyhow.  you really can’t lie to a child.
Eventually I started to watch how children behaved and I learned a lot about how to have fun, and how to avoid doing what you don’t want to do.
I unconsciously (or maybe consciously?) modeled their behavior, on the hypothesis that if it worked for kids to be happy, it would work for me.  I feel like a kid a lot, so it was very natural to follow these behaviors:
Be a bit selfish (but not too selfish or your mom will get mad at you).
Try to always get your way, but know sometimes you have to do stuff that you don’t love.
If you really don’t like something, you shouldn’t have to do it.  You should also have to find out why you really don’t like stuff.  There is a reason, and finding that reason out will help you eliminate the aversion to it.
Have fun in every single moment.   Except when you are not having fun.  But notice quickly when you are no longer having fun and make a change.
This is a really big epiphany for me.  I often spent years, months, days, weeks, hours not having fun but not noticing that I wasn’t very happy with something.  I can’t believe I did so many things for so long that I would never consider doing now.  It has been sobering to see the difference between who I used to be, and the me that I am continually being.  I am so proud of my self for its hard work in accepting me as a leader, after being so abusive and dismissive of my body for so long.  I literally didn’t consider it’s needs at all.  I was mad at my body for remembering something I wanted to forget.  My body can’t help that it wasn’t asleep and it responded to a natural impulse in every case.  The argument is very old, and very boring, but suffice it to say that the two sides that have always been at war have come to a truce and are working together.  As they move forward jointly, they increasingly admire the strength and consistency that all of the individual parts are exhibiting.  The love I feel for all of myself increases every day as we begin to consciously realize that we are all on the same team and that we are really going to be fine.    I love myself too much to let myself down in any way possible.  I will try my hardest to keep improving with every day.  I look forward to the day that my whole self is together, or as together as we could be, and that will be more than enough.  it’s already more than enough, and I am very grateful for the opportunity to help heal myself.

And now for some religious fun

Eve might have bitten the apple. But Adam watched her do it.

I think this speaks to the archetype of woman as dark, wanton, disobedient.  Woman is nothing if not curious.  An adventurer by design.  She takes responsibility for the propagation of the species.  She feels the physical joy and pain of creation.  She extends herself into the future in the most tangible way.  Her agreement to create means she will experience more pain, but she will also experience more joy.  It’s an honorable bet.

Man can learn from woman about adventurer spirit.  Although it would mean a very different life, and a likelihood that he might be alone, he could choose to follow his spirit towards his destiny.  Men are shackled by their belief in a system that hands them sole care of financial responsibility for family.  This is a very heavy burden.  There is also greater pressure to also take on more of the physical care of the family.  In a family where the financial burden is split, this is fair.  If both parties are working equally for the financial needs, the physical needs of the family are more fairly divisible.
Women can learn from men the power of objectiveness.  Adam didn’t bite the apple.  But he was curious about the outcome, although not brave enough to put himself on the chopping block.  Woman can understand the powerful choice of not always going forward.  In some cases, what you walk toward is not as happy as what you leave.  Or it is happy but in an entirely different way that you are, from this perspective, not able to conceive. Or it is much worse than what you are used to.   As you move forward, some things are left behind.  However the people that do not want to be left behind with journey with you.  As always, free will means that the people who stay, wanted to stay.  When a path starts heading in a new direction, people will either examine their own desire to stay in your life, or they will unconsciously avoid making a decision, and will allow a decision to be made.  If those people want to reconnect in the future, they will be subject to a new set of realities about the relationship.