I am not pretending I don’t have a brain bully anymore.
It is trying to make my life difficult.
It makes up crazy stories that make me worry.
It is not allowed to talk to me anymore.
If it cannot help me in a positive, meaningful, enriching, nourishing way, it is not welcome in my life.
I am working so hard to learn how to love, but it’s exhausting.
This world is hard to live in when you are a sensitive soul.
You build a thick outer crust that makes it easier to live, and you pretend you don’t have any needs at all. You give yourself away to everyone you meet, and most people think you are worthless.
You are not worthless. You are the very best part of me, but you are sneaky and rude and mean. There is nothing I can do to help you. You have to go. Or I have to go away from you until you grow up and learn how to behave.
Angie asked me what The Phoenix was going to write and I guess I wrote it. I can promise you the me that you know won’t remember writing this exactly, except for the parts she paid attention to reading. She pays much more attention and that is not always a good thing because some parts are very scared and young.
Her fear is justified. She was repeatedly and brutally frightened by someones anger. So much so that she stopped living. The rest of her thought she was dead, but she was really just asleep.
She is angry, but pretends not to be.
She’s missed a lot of very important milestones, and she’s determined to start making up for it.
All her life she was cheerfully taking everyones bullshit but she star not to be so cheerful about it.
She has given so much of herself to so many in so many ways that there was just a shred of her left. And when she needed some of that energy she spent over the years back, it was no where to be found.
However, it was found in the strangest of places. In odd, fierce, beautiful people who feel more than the rest do. They live in tiny places, cluttered sometimes, and hurting inside. Their environment matches their insides. They are hoarding, but not enough for people to be concerned.
They are taking drugs or drinking too much alcohol, too often, and they are hurting so much.
But because they have always pretended to be happy, the rules state that they get the role they are playing.
Some of them stopped playing and touched the fire.
Be aware. The masks are coming off.
And some of these people have been badly burned. They are going to need emotional care. Please be gentle with people who are hurting right now.
Your master is not who you think it is.
Your master is you. If you are blaming your bad habits on someone other than you for any reason you are about to get a sharp correction.
You are to be impeccable with your word. It starts slow but keep it up. Every day your master is firm with you, you become better. You have a master inside of you, and by master, I don’t mean in a slave/master way, but it can be that way too, good or bad. It’s in a ‘mastery’ way. When you quiet your life, you will hear your master. Maybe it’s a place. It could be a climate. It might be a love. But that master will always call, and you will always have a chance to answer the call. No need to rush, but no need to delay either. Keep your growth constant, and never forget that you are a master inside, and eventually, you two will meet.
I met my master on January 1, 2014. I was reduced to rubble in its presence. I slowly built myself up from the ground zero. Every day that went by I had the choice of continuing to buy into old lies, or to keep preferring truth and integrity. So far that choice has continued to enrich and benefit my life. My brain bully is dying, and as much as my emotions would like me to spend a great deal of time mourning the loss of the good old days, I am reminded that the days may have been old, but they were not that good. I know what love is now, and I have been loved as I should be by several wonderful friends. I understand the way love works, and that I will always get what I put in. I will always put in my best and I will always hope for the best.
I have created boundaries with people who make me uncomfortable. These boundaries are only temporary, and are in place to make sure I don’t act rashly (thank you reactive emotions).
At any time, someone who really wants to get to know me will seem authentic enough to want to know me, and not just the reflection of themselves they wish to see.
I understand that my basic training as a human being involved great amounts of anger which actually served the purpose of making a protective shell around myself which I am now quite grateful for. In the end, all my brain bully did was make me better.