The Photographer is at the whell.

And she’s a shitty speller.  haha.  I wanted to change it, but The Photographer doesn’t care about it’s spelling.

The photographer got me an interview at a place I think I might really like working, but didn’t think much of at the start.

Today I interviewed for the position.  I have been thinking a lot about this job and I believe it would really be a good job for me.  The Photographer has been getting me ready for this new stage of my life.  She has made sure I show up to my commitment to myself.  She uses my own weaknesses against me as motivation.  She is faithful about taking the meds.  She doesn’t require much food to eat, because she’s incredibly distracted by getting what she wants in life.   This used to be a bad thing, and a terrible thing sometimes, maybe for her, or maybe for others at times.  The Photographer is very damaged inside from having a very bad daddy.  The way her daddy damaged her made her perfectly prepared for the job she would have to do some day, which had something to do with killing someones soul.  It sounds very terrible, but if you think about it in a scientific/energy sort of way it makes sense.  If your soul/spirit/chi/whatever gets permanently ‘frozen’ at a certain point in your life, it keeps it ‘on hold’ in the event that the person may have a reason to put some skin in the game later.  Basically, you put your player on freeze until such a time that you desire to engage in the situation you see yourself in.  When certain energetic events go off in your life, you press play and resume development, starting off at ground zero.  If you ‘died’ at 2, you will start at 2.  If you are totally fucked up with your behavior at 2, you will either die, or have a NDE* which will reset you at 0 and give you a conscious view of your choices.  I was not conscious at 0, and woke up terrified and alone, just like a newborn baby, terrified of the light.  Overwhelmed and dissociated by the light more accurately.  When ‘god’ or ‘the devil’ or whatever universal force broke in, it killed [THE OLD]me.   And that’s the way I asked for it to be.  If I got so vile that I didn’t want to know myself I asked for a disconnection so I would be forced to find myself.  Energetic math demands it.  As I become more of myself, i realize I am only a collection of parts.  The flame that i run on is eternal.   Everything else is distraction.  I feel this flame when I commune with maryjane.  I feel my body and mind together, which hasn’t happened since I was busted so long ago.  Even in my re connection at ground zero, the physical loss sustained by the damage done by my father can not be repaired.  I can use cannabis to bridge the gap between the me I was, ethereal and beautiful, and the me I am today.  I spend time with my baby me, who is now a grown adult in my head.  It doesn’t have the tragedy of being programmed by the collective consciousness, so it is pure, unspoiled sexual energy.  I guess I’m some kind of pervert, communing sexually with a part of myself that’s a baby, but it’s not a baby anymore.  It’s a 45 year old baby, which is the most beautiful kind of baby you could imagine, and it’s super fun to hang out with.  And it’s so lonely in my mind, with so many villains and superhero’s and me and Baby just wanting to chill and vibe out together.

I will get back to The Photographer.

This fragment has been running my ass around, keeping my appetite suppressed naturally, reminding me to keep taking my meds and keep achieving my goals.  It keeps a tight leash on me, and makes me feel really, really good physically.  It makes me feel strong and powerful and in command, three concepts that were completely foreign to me before had the good sense to fall in love with my husband.  (And that’s another blog post).

I can attribute my dedication to walking, listening to podcasts and music to this fragment.  One fragment loves music to the point of being lost in it.  I love this fragment so much.  It enhances the chance I will follow through with my physical activity.  It’s interest is purely physical (photographer), but it enjoys the help of the others, who motivate me greatly.  All of these fragments encourage and support the use of cannabis for goal setting.

The photographer made sure the technology was set up properly, and that my hair was colored appropriately and styled properly.  It also set out clothes for me to wear that I liked, and looked good.  My teeth were brushed (and seemed VERY BIG AND WHITE when I looked at myself in the mirror) and I looked quite polished.  Nail polish was desired, but not selected.  Wedding ring was placed on my finger, but no other jewelry was worn.  I wore light blue eyeliner, and mascara, and a bit of lip stick.  Pretty natural.  [This fragment likes being married and proudly wears her wedding ring.]

During the interview, I had a large glass of water with me, and a coffee in camera lens mug. [This fragment likes coffee and water.  It prefers water, but understands that coffee satisfies some need that it doesn’t understand that helps me feel like doing certain activities].

I was relaxed and conscious of keeping myself still, and smiling as appropriate.  Slowly, not like a grinning idiot.  I worked to keep my attention grounded in my body, and not in my mind which may have started overthinking.  I stepped aside and let the best part of myself do the thinking.  I didn’t micromanage, and I didn’t tell myself to stop unless I had finished my thought.  I kept my thoughts organized and tried to plan out the answer to conclusion to keep on track before I spoke.  I clarified if I did not understand the question, and I tried to relate my experience to the universal experience of having a good product to feel proud of selling, and giving good customer services to people who want that product.

In the end of the interview, a different part of me sort of ‘broke through’.  It is an extremely confident and gregarious, and doesn’t give a fuck about rules and being modest.  I found myself saying something to the following to the interview panel of three women who had just conluded my interview;

“If I could finish up by saying that I really hope I get this job.  I think I would be really good at it, and I know I could make people feel better about their day.  I want to work, and someone is going to get me.  I really hope it’s [your company]”.  Then it delivered a big lazy smile and big my goodbyes before leaving the video conference.

When the conference ended, I had a huge smile on my face.  It felt likeMatthew McConaughey energy, [which is something I have absorbed during any scene where I find his character arousing], jumped into my skin and started to talk from my heart.  I really hope it doesn’t cost me the job, but it made my heart so happy inside to have such a smooth character ready to jump out and take over when I am nervous.  [as I am in any concluding interaction with another person].  I love the idea that my consciousness can pick an appropriate character who ‘feels right’ for a situation, and deliver an authentic response when I am too nervous to do so.

I am trying to keep more detailed notes of who is at the wheel any given time, but especially during important check points.  It seems some parts of my consciousness spend time dormant while at other times, my intuition is extremely heightened for no real reason I can understand.  Different ‘parts’ of me have the ability to take over my life over time.  I don’t notice they are there until i see the change in my pattern of behavior.  This most recent fragment is very distressed at the grey of my hair.  The other dominant fragment around lately (but not dominant over the first) is someone who doesn’t give a shit about her grey hair, and thinks it’s kind of interesting.  It pulls them out (to the delight of the first fragment) to examine their color (silver!) and consistency and strength.  There is real truth the the idea that age brings strength in different ways.

I realize I have been doing this unconciously all my life.  In the past I have not always understood what was really going on around me, and may have chosen poorly on my behalf, based on what I knew at the time.  As my understanding increases, so does my ability to choose more consciously when I am able, and to trust that my collective will choose the best choice for me when I am not certain.

I am so deeply grateful for my ability to connect with my own collective and to allow them to help me create a beautiful life with the people I love the most.  I am learning to be a blessing everywhere I go, and that has nothing to do with religion.  It has to do with healing the wounds we carry together.  It gets easier as I learn I am here to forgive myself and to allow others to forgive me too.  Some are stubborn and won’t take the healing that is offered because it doesn’t come from the person they desire, or the package they prefer.  Some will take it without offering the healing they are meant to give in return.  Some will see the value and intuitively know how to make the most of a mutual soul contract in any kind of relationship.

Life is really starting to move in the right direction for me to start realizing some of my dreams, and it is inducing a really exciting/exhilarating/nervous/anticipation feeling.  I like it.

The Phoenix


PS.  An email dinged and appeared in my top, right hand notification area on my iMac, as I was finishing up.  I had to laugh when I read it.  Just as my own pieces are wanting to write, there is an affirmation that writing is what I should be doing.

{Here is the actual email}


I do think I will be meeting that dude someday.  His emails roll in at the most curious times.  His calendars gave me hope in very dark days at the beginning. }

*NDE near death experience, commonly experienced by a soul wishing to make an abrupt change in path, whereby a lot of soul information is needed to be transferred in order to ‘catch the soul up’ to the new plan.  In my opinion.